Books I Recommend
Books can offer a different way of looking at something you're experiencing as a parent. They can help you understand your child, reflect on your own responses, explore a difficult question or discover a perspective you hadn't considered before.
The books here are ones I have personally listened to and chosen to recommend. They cover different aspects of parenting, relationships, learning and children's emotional experiences.
They don't all offer the same perspective, and you won't necessarily agree with everything in every book. I certainly didn't. For me, part of the value is being able to consider different ideas, question the things that don't fit with my experience and discover perspectives that help me think differently.
You can explore the books that interest you and decide which, if any, feel relevant to your family.
Understanding ourselves and our relationships
Recovery of Your Inner Child — Lucia Capacchione
This book helped me recognise how much we can repress parts of ourselves as adults in order to fit into society. It also made me think about how, without realising it, we can influence our children in ways that may limit their freedom to express themselves.
If we want to reconnect with more of our own inner child, it seems worth asking whether we want our children to have that same opportunity to be themselves.
You might explore this book if: you want to reflect on your own childhood experiences, how you've adapted as you've grown up and how these experiences might influence the parent you are today.
Raising a Secure Child — Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper and Bert Powell
One of the ideas that stayed with me is the importance of giving children space to make mistakes when the consequences are manageable.
Children need opportunities to make decisions, see what happens and learn from the experience. These smaller experiences can help them practise making choices before they face decisions in adulthood, when the consequences may be greater and more difficult to reverse.
You might explore this book if: you want to think about how to provide security and support while giving your child room to explore, make mistakes and develop their own decision-making abilities.
The 5 Love Languages of Children — Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell
This is one of several books that explore the idea of different ways of expressing and experiencing love.
What I found useful was the reminder to observe our own children and try to understand how they experience being loved. We may naturally show love in the ways that feel most familiar to us, while our children may experience it differently. When that happens, we can miss something important even when our intentions are good.
I feel strongly that every child should have the experience of feeling loved. It is painful to see children at school who don't seem to be experiencing that sense of being loved and valued. It makes me think about how important it is not to assume that our children automatically recognise or feel the love we have for them, but to pay attention to their experience too.
The five love languages offer one framework for thinking about this. They aren't a definitive way to categorise children or understand every relationship. The useful starting point is to stay curious about your own child and what helps them feel loved and connected.
You might explore this book if: you want to reflect on how your child experiences your expressions of love and whether there are ways you could help them feel more understood and connected.
The Culture Code — Daniel Coyle
Although this isn't specifically a parenting book, I found it useful for thinking about belonging, fitting in and the groups we become part of.
As parents, we may expect our children to join in with others, or become concerned when they don't. This book offers a broader perspective on the social environments we belong to and how they shape our experiences.
It made me reflect on whether a child always needs to join in to feel that they belong, and whether our expectations can sometimes make us worry unnecessarily when they choose a different path.
You might explore this book if: you're interested in how trust and belonging develop, and how the environments around children can influence their experiences of relationships and fitting in.
Understanding learning and development
Why Don't Students Like School? — Daniel T. Willingham
This book helped me understand children from two perspectives: as someone thinking about teaching and how to approach my delivery more effectively, and as a parent trying to understand what my own children are likely to experience as they learn.
It gave me a better way to think about learning and the challenges children may experience, rather than looking only at whether they seem to understand something or are getting the answers right.
You might explore this book if: you want to understand more about how children learn, why some things are harder to grasp than others, and how this understanding might influence the way you support your child's learning.
Raising Mentally Strong Kids — Daniel G. Amen and Charles Fay
I found this a particularly useful book. Its connection with the Love and Logic approach gave me a way to think about parenting responses and how we support children as they develop their own capabilities.
I also found it exceptionally well written and easy to follow. It wasn't just a book I read and moved on from: it prompted me to delve further into Daniel G. Amen's work and read several more of his books.
You might explore this book if: you're interested in a practical approach to parenting that encourages you to think about how you respond to everyday challenges and how children develop their own capabilities.
As with any book, I would encourage you to consider the ideas that are useful to you and look critically at claims about brain health and development, rather than assuming that one approach explains every child's behaviour or needs.
Understanding worry, anxiety and adolescence
Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD — Eli R. Lebowitz
I recommend this book because it offers a deeper understanding of both anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
It introduces the SPACE approach, which focuses on how parents can respond when a child's anxiety or OCD affects family life, including situations where family routines or responses may adapt around the child's difficulties.
You might explore this book if: anxiety or OCD is affecting your child or family and you want to understand a specific approach to supporting children through these difficulties.
This book addresses particular mental health concerns. General information cannot determine which approach is suitable for an individual child, and professional support may be helpful when anxiety or OCD is having a significant impact on everyday life.
The Anxious Generation — Jonathan Haidt
Although I had already read extensively about smartphones and their use, I found this book's account of their potential impact on children's mental health and development shocking. I found it difficult to put down and finished it within two days.
It raises important questions about the world children are growing up in. But I also think it is valuable to explore other perspectives alongside it, particularly where people disagree about the causes of changes in children's mental health and the relative importance of different factors.
For that reason, I recommend pairing this book with the podcast below, Why Children Need More Freedom to Thrive with Dr. Peter Gray.
You might explore this book if: you want to consider the wider environment in which children are growing up, particularly the role Haidt believes smartphones and changes in childhood play in young people's experiences.
The book advances particular explanations for changes in young people's mental health. I think it is worth considering those arguments alongside other perspectives, rather than assuming one explanation tells the whole story.
A companion listen: Why Children Need More Freedom to Thrive with Dr. Peter Gray
I recommend listening to this episode alongside The Anxious Generation.
I found it a valuable counterpoint because it invites us to consider children's freedom, independent play and opportunities to learn through experience, alongside other possible influences on their development and mental health.
After finding Haidt's book so shocking, I found this alternative perspective a relief. It reminded me that there are other ways to look at what children are experiencing, and that the picture may be more complicated than one explanation suggests.
This isn't about assuming that one resource disproves the other. It's about giving yourself the opportunity to hear different arguments, question assumptions and consider what each perspective helps you understand.
My recommendation: If you read or listen to one, make sure you explore the other as well. I think they are most useful when considered together.
The Emotional Lives of Teenagers — Lisa Damour
One of the things that stayed with me most from this book was the importance of recognising that our relationship with our teenagers changes as they grow.
They need their own space and will naturally push boundaries. As parents, we may miss the closeness of earlier years, when they were more likely to follow our rules or tell us what was happening in their lives. But growing up means that our role needs to change too.
Something I took from this book is the importance of not automatically offering advice. Sometimes a teenager needs to rant, get something off their chest and leave the conversation without wanting a response. Our instinct may be to solve the problem, but listening without immediately jumping in can help keep the door open for another conversation later, when they are ready to hear our thoughts.
That doesn't mean abandoning our boundaries or accepting hurtful behaviour without consequences. It may mean choosing the timing carefully, so that a difficult conversation can happen when our teenager is more able to take it in.
You might explore this book if: you're parenting a teenager and want to understand more about their emotional experiences, their growing independence and how you can remain available to them as your relationship changes.
Choosing what to explore
You don't need to read every book or agree with every idea. Start with the question or situation that matters to you now.
You might be trying to understand your child's worries, think differently about a difficult interaction, support their learning or reflect on your own experiences of being parented.
Choose the book that seems most relevant. Take from it what is useful, consider what doesn't fit your experience, and keep exploring when you want to understand more.
The aim isn't to find a book that tells you exactly how to parent. It's to find ideas that help you understand your child, think through your options and work out what may be useful for your family.