Self-doubt and confidence
Your child seems unsure of themselves. Perhaps they worry about getting things wrong, compare themselves with others, give up when something feels difficult or look to you to tell them whether they've done well.
You may want to reassure them, encourage them to keep going or help them see what they're capable of. But it isn't always easy to know what will help, especially when they seem to doubt themselves repeatedly.
Let's take a moment to understand what might be happening and explore what could be useful for your child and your family.
What might self-doubt look like for your child?
Self-doubt doesn't look the same in every child. You might recognise one of these situations, several of them or something quite different.
They worry about getting things wrong
Your child may hesitate to start something new, avoid answering a question or become upset when they make a mistake.
They compare themselves with others
They may focus on what other children can do, feel that they aren't as good or become discouraged when someone else succeeds.
They look to you for reassurance
They may repeatedly ask whether they've done something well, whether you think they can manage or whether they are making the right choice.
They give up when something feels difficult
They may stop trying, say they can't do something or decide it's not worth attempting when the outcome feels uncertain.
These are possible ways self-doubt can show up, not a checklist or a way to judge your child's confidence. The important starting point is what you are noticing about your own child.
What might be behind the self-doubt?
Self-doubt can be connected to many different experiences. Your child may be facing something unfamiliar, remembering a time when things didn't go well, comparing themselves with others or trying to work out what is expected of them.
Sometimes the difficulty is connected to a particular situation. At other times, it may be harder to understand what is making your child uncertain or why the same doubts keep returning.
It can help to look beyond what your child says about themselves and consider what they may be finding difficult.
What are they worried might happen? Are they concerned about making a mistake, being judged or disappointing someone?
When does the self-doubt appear? Is it linked to new experiences, schoolwork, friendships, activities or particular expectations?
What happens when something feels difficult? Do they keep trying, seek reassurance, withdraw or decide not to continue?
What seems to help? Notice whether anything makes it easier for them to take part, try again or work through the uncertainty.
You may not be able to answer all these questions, and your child may not know how to explain what they feel. You don't need to force an explanation. These are ways to begin understanding their experience, not a test you have to complete.
What could you try next?
When your child doubts themselves, it is natural to want to reassure them or help them see what they can do. Encouragement may be welcome, but it can be difficult to know what will help when the same doubts keep returning.
There isn't one response that works for every child or situation. Depending on what you have noticed, you might explore:
Understanding what feels difficult
Take some time to understand what your child is uncertain about. Is the task unfamiliar? Are they worried about making a mistake? Do they think other people will judge them? Understanding the difficulty may help you work out what support could be useful.
Making room for mistakes
Notice how mistakes are experienced in your family. You can acknowledge that getting something wrong may feel disappointing while helping your child explore what happened and what they might try next. A mistake doesn't have to be treated as proof that they cannot do something.
Considering encouragement and reassurance
Notice what happens when you reassure your child or tell them they can do something. Does it help them feel ready to continue, or do they soon need you to tell them again? This can give you something useful to reflect on without assuming that reassurance is always helpful or unhelpful.
Considering the next small step
If your child is reluctant to try something, it may help to understand what makes it difficult before deciding what to do next. You can explore a manageable next step together, while leaving room for your child to participate in working out what to do.
Exploring further resources
You may want to explore the wider parenting guidance and resources as they become available. Choose what seems most relevant to your child's situation. You don't need to try everything at once.
When you may need more support
It can be difficult to know what to make of self-doubt, particularly when it continues or begins to affect everyday life.
If your child's distress is persistent, or their worries about themselves are making it difficult for them to take part in school, friendships or activities, you may want to speak with an appropriate health or education professional about the support available.
You don't need to wait until you have worked out exactly what is happening before asking for advice.
General parenting information can help you explore possibilities, but it cannot assess an individual child's needs.
Start with what your child is experiencing
You don't have to make every doubt disappear or convince your child that they can do everything.
Begin with what you've noticed. Try to understand what feels difficult for your child, explore the possibilities that seem relevant and consider what might help next.
Sometimes understanding a little more is a useful place to start.