Social Difficulties
It can be difficult to know what to do when your child is struggling with friendships or social situations.
Perhaps they find it hard to make friends, feel left out, have disagreements with other children or worry about fitting in. You may be concerned about how they are getting on, particularly when you aren't there to see what happens.
You might want to help them resolve things, encourage them to join in or protect them from being hurt. But it isn't always obvious what they need, or whether the situation looks the same from their perspective as it does from yours.
Let's take a moment to understand what you are noticing and explore what might be useful for your child and your family.
What is happening socially for your child?
Social situations can be complicated, and difficulties can take different forms. You might recognise one of these situations, several of them or something quite different.
Your child is finding it hard to make friends
They may want friendships but be unsure how to get started, how to join a group or how to develop a connection with other children.
Your child feels left out or excluded
They may talk about not being included, worry that other children don't like them or find it difficult to understand what has happened in a friendship.
Friendships seem to involve frequent disagreements
There may be arguments, misunderstandings or changes in friendships that leave your child upset or leave you unsure how to help.
Your child finds fitting in difficult
They may feel pressure to behave like other children, worry about being different or prefer to do things in their own way.
These situations can overlap, and there may be other things happening that you cannot see from the outside. The starting point is to understand your child's experience rather than assume what the difficulty means.
What might be happening in your child's social world?
When a child is having difficulties with other children, it is natural to want to understand why. But friendship problems and social experiences can be complicated, and we may only see part of the picture.
Your child may be dealing with a misunderstanding, changing friendships, different expectations or a situation in which they feel uncertain about where they belong. Sometimes the difficulty is connected to the wider group or environment, rather than something your child needs to change.
It may help to consider a few questions.
What has your child told you? What do they think happened, and how do they feel about it?
What do you know about the situation? Is there information you have seen or heard directly, or are there parts you are still unsure about?
Does this happen in particular situations? Are there certain groups, activities or environments where things seem easier or more difficult?
What does your child want? Would they like help resolving a friendship problem, support with a particular situation, or simply someone to listen?
You may not be able to answer all these questions, and your child's perspective may change as they reflect on what happened.
You don't have to work out the whole situation immediately. Understanding a little more about how your child experiences it can be a useful place to start.
What could you try next?
When your child is having social difficulties, it can be tempting to step in straight away, offer advice or try to resolve the problem for them. Sometimes direct help is needed. At other times, it may be useful to understand more about the situation before deciding what to do.
There isn't one response that fits every friendship or social difficulty. Depending on what is happening, you might consider the following.
Listen before trying to solve the problem
Give your child an opportunity to explain what happened and what it meant to them. They may want advice, but they may first need to feel that you have understood their perspective.
Explore different ways of seeing the situation
If the situation is unclear, you might gently consider what each person may have understood or experienced. This doesn't mean dismissing your child's feelings or assuming that everyone was equally responsible.
Think about the support your child wants
Ask what they would find helpful. They may want to talk through a response, consider what to say to another child or think about how to approach a future situation.
Consider the wider environment
If difficulties keep happening in a particular setting, it may be worth exploring what support is available there. Depending on the situation, this could include speaking with your child's school or another appropriate adult.
You don't need to resolve every friendship problem for your child. The aim is to understand what is happening and consider what kind of support may be useful now.
When you may need more support
Friendships can change, and disagreements are part of many children's social experiences. But it can be difficult when social problems keep happening or begin to affect how your child feels about themselves, school or everyday life.
If your child is persistently distressed, feels unsafe, is being repeatedly targeted by others or is struggling to take part in everyday activities, it may be useful to seek further support.
Depending on the situation, you might speak with your child's school or another appropriate professional to understand what is happening and what help may be available.
You don't have to establish exactly what is going on before asking for support. General parenting guidance can help you explore possibilities, but it cannot assess an individual child's needs.
Start with your child's experience
Social difficulties can be painful to watch as a parent, particularly when you cannot see the whole situation or make things better straight away.
Start with what you know, stay curious about what your child is experiencing and explore what kind of support might help.
The aim isn't to make every child fit in in the same way. It's to understand what matters to your child and help them find a way forward that works for them.